No more regrets

My motivation for today! It is so true and I need to look at this often. I gave up a couple of years ago and sadly have gained about 50 lbs. 😦 If I had just stuck with it I could have been at my goal and would feel a lot better. I am however where I am supposed to be and was not ready at that time. This time I am going to fight and WHEN I hit goal there will be a lot of screaming, crying and dancing. Yahoo!!

I want to give a shout out to all of you that post your stories, you are all so inspiring and I really enjoy reading your blogs. Whether you are trying to find more peace, love or lose those unwanted pounds you have helped me more than you will know. Before I got the courage to start posting I would spend hours in the morning reading and searching for new blogs to follow. It truly is great to be able to connect with others on their searches for happiness. I also hope that maybe one day their amazing way with words will rub off on me 😉 One can hope. I wish I had paid more attention in English now so I could feel more confident in writing.

Anyways as I sit here and wait for that phone call, “We would like to offer you the position” I hang onto hope, I reallllly want this job. Had other interviews but I feel this last one is just what I need right now. I have been unemployed for about a year and half now and let me tell you it is very trying. Considering I had been working as soon I was old enough  it was a shock to be let go and have it drag on this long. I had turned 30 earlier that year, was attending school at night, working during the day and thought things were on their way. Well just before graduation, I was let go and unsure what to do next. I spent the next year trying to find out where to go, what to do, why I was having a problem finding work. I even spent time trying to build up my own massage business considering that is what I went to school for. As time went on, the little fire inside me died off. I became more angry, hateful, lost any joy or peace I had. Instead of fighting harder for work I guess I gave up and turned to food. BIG mistake. After a couple of months I decided after being in AZ for  7 years, it was time to pack up and come back home to ME. I missed my family terribly and felt I needed to be around them to help ground me and get myself back. So earlier this year I made the final decision to toss in the towel and started packing up and planning my trip back east. It was a hard choice. I loved the friends I had made, loved the bigger city life, independence,  and lack of snow in winter but I also felt I needed a break and take care of myself emotionally because I was on a downward spiral and wasn’t looking pretty. Side note the drive back was great and this country really is amazing.

So I have been in Maine for a couple of months now and still in an adjusting phase. Funny how a place I grew up in has seemed to change so much and that I also have found a new interests in things I used to take for granted. Down side to being back though I am noticing several of my old fears from when I was here are creeping back. I sometimes have to really push myself to go for a walk in my neighborhood because I fear that the kids will taunt me for my weight. Now mind you, that the ones that did taunt me when I was younger no longer reside here. There are times when I run to the grocery store or church I fear of running into kids from school. Why?! We are talking over 14 years since I left school, but I still hold on. I guess that is one reason I really did like AZ with all the people who were there and amount of grocery stores around, I never would run into someone I knew. So that is something else I really have to work on here. Let go of that fear, stop hiding because of who you “may” see, be confident in myself and stop running. People often questioned how I could move alone to a state that I knew nothing, I said easy spend a winter in Maine. I always said winter, some people wondered if I was “running” from something. After some thinking, I had run away but just refused to let myself believe it. Instead of facing my demons then I left, I am now faced with them again. At 32 I shouldn’t be afraid of middle/high school kids, but I am. I cringe whenever they are near. I need to be confident, hold my head up high and not fear anymore.

So the new Jennifer, I will be oozing confidence, self-love, love for all that cross my path, energy, patience, and balance. Those are a few of the things I am working on, with that I feel other things will fall into place. Well thank you for letting me vent some, it really does help. I hope all of you have a blessed day. Until next time.

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